I Have A Dream

I’m Drew Pillow average guy. I’m not a great orator or politician or anything like that; I’m just a simple man with simple wants and occasionally simple dreams like the one I had the other day. This is a true story… partially.

I dreamt that:
I had dinner with my mother in law and actually enjoyed myself
My kids asked for fruit after dinner instead of snacks
The tobacco industry decided to remove the 500 unlisted addictive chemicals from cigarettes
Took my car to the mechanic and they only fixed what was wrong with it for a fair price
Went to the doctor and he didn’t know what was wrong so he didn’t charge me.
The bookstore started a policy that if I buy a book and it sucks I can bring it back and get a refund
More... The movie theater instituted the same policy
I saw a homeless guy with a sign that said pray for me as I take initiative to seek employment and better my life
I drove past a church with a sign out front that said “we have collected more than enough money so this week we will be giving money back to our members”
I saw an ad for a new car which read: This Car Was Voted Number One By Your Local Mechanic Shops
I bought a lottery ticket that had the following warning printed on it: You Have a Better Chance of Jumping over the Moon than Winning
The fast food restaurant had a sign out front that read “our food will make you fat and unhealthy but it tastes great for genetically manipulated artificially flavored meat”
I saw a magazine that said “we offer all the misery that’s fit to print” and nobody was buying it
I heard a rap song that talked about how beautiful life is and that we should all love one another
I heard a country song that didn’t make me want to take a bottle of sleeping pills
I saw a bar that takes your car keys when you enter make you take a breathalyzer before you get them back
Truth in advertising meant that the liquor store was now filled with drinks called “Liver-Killer, Crash Dummy, Where Was I Last Night and Why Am I Jail This Time”
I ate at a fast food restaurant where the food wasn’t prepared by teenagers who scratched or picked their noses
I saw a parent at wal mart with two kids neither of whom were screaming, falling down on the floor or running amok through the isles
I saw a senior citizen driving a car at only 5 miles per hour under the speed limit
I saw a woman park a car – correctly
I visited a quickie mart that wasn’t owned by a Middle Eastern guy
The government instituted a national bailout for average folks – promising to pay all our bills for a year
I saw a doctor that was actually from this country
We had a war where we came, we saw, we conquered and we came on home
The guy with the most money didn’t win the election
People who went to jail learned their lesson and never went back
I called my cell phone company and the person who answered spoke English
I saw a sign at the airport that said only one in 35 of our planes crash
I called a guy about a used car and he told me that if it makes it back to my home he’d be surprised
I went to look at a house and the seller informed that despite a few insects and brawling drunken neighbors it’s really a steal if you know a little bit about carpentry, electrical wiring, plumbing, and roofing
I took my kid to enroll in school and the principle told me not to worry they’ll make sure my kid passes because they have to keep their statistics looking good
I saw a guy running for office who confessed that he didn’t have a clue about any issues nor did he care he just heard that the job pays well
I saw a new candy in the store called NIGHTMARE – it contained enough sugar to turn your kids into Olympic marathon runners and secure their dentists retirement
The government declared that since marijuana was an illegal drug then alcohol and tobacco were now illegal also
I read in the paper that teachers now make more money than professional athletes
I saw a statistic that said more couples are staying married
I saw a group of atheists in a sinking boat shouting “oh God, please save us.”
I saw a weight loss commercial that showed a before and after photo that looked like the same person
I read in the newspaper that the government finally admits lying about UFO’s
I finally stayed up late enough to see Santa Claus eating those cookies that I set out for him.
It all seemed so real until the unbelievable happened; I received an e-mail from a reader that said they really enjoyed my column. That was when I knew it was all just a dream. Happy Holidays everyone.